Multiplicity resource where all this started:
http://healthymultiplicity.com/
(preamble: there are three posts on this date because i'm having a shit time at life and when i feel like i'm severely lacking in productivity at the real life work work, i make up for it by excelling at random shit. today it's this blog. two days ago it was osu taiko. a week ago it was subtitling. anyway.)
i have to be multiple in some manner shape or form. like the only reason that the things in my head (i don't wanna call them people right now) don't distinguish themselves or aren't always loud, is because i deliberately distract myself so i don't hear them. when i stop and let them talk there are mean and terrifying things coming out and i think that's why i've been spending so much energy... not working... and instead fucking around... when i'm working i feel like a shell, like i'm not controlling my body, like words come out of their own accord... it's so exhausting and not working and procrastinating is also exhausting because i end up anxious and the things in my head get louder and more mean so i'm forced to distract myself more.
i have i have i have to pull myself together just for the next few days and really get this last bit of work done because it'll all be better soon and i have i have to like just acknowledge that i'm the slightest bit multiple i think if i'm to pull myself together a little bit. i can't do work if i'm dissociated and i have to do the work, just this bit of work, just this teeny tiny bit. i'm gonna sleep (it's almost 12 am right now) so i can work tomorrow. i have to work.
and i have to work on this head of mine/ours for everything to work better and so i can shut up that piece of shit who keeps on nagging at me. in my head. and we have to work on not saying shut up all the time at each other, that's probably part of the problem.